This will be short.

Yesterday for work, my boss and I entered the home of a very kind, pleasant family. We had come to clean there so a realtor could take pictures and list their home on the market. The husband was a retired police officer, the wife a nurse. They had one daughter, who was wearing a skateboard helmet and joyfully participating in conversation with us. She was adorable. The family was adorable.

We entered with masks (as we always do, especially now), and congregated in the kitchen.

“You ladies can take your masks off!” The father exclaimed. “We don’t do masks in this house.”
My boss and I looked to each other with a cracked smile (beneath the mask).
“Oh no, it’s okay” we mimicked.
“We’ve been wearing masks since before this whole thing…” my boss giggled.

I felt numb.

“This whole thing is just crazy,” the father added.

The month of May comes with 33 million unemployed (including myself, however furloughed). I work as an operations manager for a cleaning company full-time, and when I’m not working; I am a girlfriend, an anxiety sufferer, a cat-mom, a binge-watcher, a goofball, a nature-seeker, a family gal, a close friend, and Evar After.
This time has been difficult for our society as it highlights so many differences in our class structure and access to resources. I am grateful to be half-employed in an industry that is expected to “blow up” once restrictions in New York state begin to loosen. Cleaning has never been so ‘essential.’

Working for a cleaning company is humble, physically demanding work. In a world of capitalism and profiteering, I truly feel that I positively impact the world with what I do. Cleaning and organizing for others gives me joy, and I believe our society needs to re-frame service based vocations such as mine. I am happy to see this pandemic shining light on the TRUE every-day heroes that are now considered essential workers, consideration being much too late in my opinion. I include myself in this group, but I still know that I am privileged to CHOSE working for a cleaning company rather than doing it out of necessity whether by language barrier, immigrant status, lack of education, or disinfranchisement. I seek to mentor and build lasting relationships with every staff member I come across, and show them how to give a fuck about how you spend your time, REGARDLESS of the way you spend it. I have become a better person through my experiences in this business, and I have seen the ways that Americans have been conditioned to devalue this labor. Cleaning allows me to balance my artistic endeavors with financial from hard work. The reflection of vanity and self image in a job shouldn’t hold the amount of weight that it does for young people. I encourage any young person I meet to see their job as a way to provide the quality of life that they are working for, every job is a lily pad to something better.

Not sure why I went on that tangent, but I guess it was just on my mind! Bare with me.

It’s hard.

It’s hard to come to this blog and write, because maybe the world is currently so built around ‘engagement’ and I know that this writing won’t get any. It’s hard to realize that I build my expression around whether or not I will have a captive audience. I came to write on this blog because times are tough, it’s hard.

It’s hard because I have more time on my hands that I’ve had since childhood. That’s hard because I find myself judging my productivity; ‘why haven’t you created this or finished this?’
It’s hard because my partner is using this time to exercise and improve his health, and I cannot bring myself to do one crunch or push-up. I can’t bring myself to dance, or run, or even walk.
I know this all sounds very depressing, but I’m writing here to be objective and process these feelings as they can truly no longer stay captive in my head!

It’s hard because I’m trying to push my work out into the open online, and social media just doesn’t come naturally to me. I feel weird for trying to monetize an audience in the middle of a pandemic, but maybe for an introvert like me, it’s MY time. It’s time.

It’s hard because I am happy, I am grateful, but every day the hours slide past me and anxiety vibrates my flesh. I see the country re-opening and I selfishly want that, I want to drive across the country and get OUT. But that is the problem.

At the end of the day, It’s hard… but it ain’t that hard. Let’s make a better planet out of all this.
Xo, Evar After.

More than ever, time.
We have more time than ever.
More than we’ve ever had.
Since we were kids.

And with this time, I chose to revisit my online spaces that have become dusty and drab. I seek to create again with the purpose of exploring the things that give me joy. While I sit here writing, I hear the landscapers buzzing away. Who knew that landscaping was considered “essential.” I’m glad that it is so that they can continue to earn the money they need. I’m not glad for the need to put their safety in jeopardy to do so. I am glad for the essential workers who WILL finally get represented by this crisis as valuable members of this stubborn society. I hope that the changes we have improvised throughout this crisis stick, that they aren’t forgotten in a rush to return to this “normal” that turns out, wasn’t ideal for most.

I try to keep myself busy, but it’s hard. Sometimes I just sit and stare. There’s a lot I could do, I wish I could erase it from my mind and consolidate it all like my debt. But the mind works differently. Still, these difficulties are a privilege. It is a privilege to be a prisoner of the mind, and the mind alone. I do not spend my time worrying about my well-being, my freedom, or my safety.

I do spend a lot of time thinking about how the old normal feels so fucking strange now. I spend a lot of time thinking about how we took the old normal for granted, how we took our ease for granted. But if I’m going to be frank;

I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time.

I’ve been waiting for the world to turn upside down. Every day, I floated an inch further from the shore, the shoreline growing larger as I aged farther into time.

“How is this world sustainable?”

To navigate would imply a map, or some semblance of direction. In the far distance I see her, me. Am I water, or land? Am I pushing the great trek through mountains and rivers? Or am I bobbing on the waves, praying for a place to let down the anchor. Am I lost in the desert of my subconscious, trudging towards a mirage that will bring me closer to nowhere..

In my dreams I see the apocalypse of my anxiety. A fireball crashing down to the earth of my being, tearing apart my fibers until a hole emerges of what once was. In my dreams I do not hold my breath or squeeze my legs to my chair. I do not hold my head so close to my desk that I can see the fog of oxygen expand around papers. I do not close my skeleton so tight that a simple walk down the block forces my hips to expand and my lower back to ache. I dream of a fireball crashing down to the earth of my being, tearing about my fibers until a hole emerges of what once was; she.

What if dreams are flashbacks of a previous life? I don’t mean the sleep kind, I mean the awake dreams.. The imagination that steers us to our goals. What if we are reaching for memories of past lives? What if I’ve already been a singer, a dancer.. Am I am in an infinite loop of my own self prophecy? What if my dreams are memories, and to fully survive I must move past my soul’s memories and create a new story. Is intuition simply the knowledge of our loop.

You can see why my work moves at the pace of a rainforest sloth. At some point in my life a dam was built where a river once stood in my brain. My thoughts are like single use plastics, they collect and clog the mouth of the dam.. they trap tiny water creatures like turtles and frogs. They slow the movement of my mind, the reservoir. A dam is an unnatural occurrence.

So if my mind is a reservoir than maybe water is what I seek, and right now I am on the great trek. But it has to be recent contextually if I (or others) have the technology and understanding to build a dam in my mind. So I’m feeling as though my life right now is like a mid 20th century hike. I’m naked because that sounds like freedom. My feet hurt, and I am thirsty. I have heard of the waves across the rocks and I am set to go there. But are the waves a memory of my soul? Perhaps I have already met the ocean. Perhaps I’ll hang out here, naked in the forest, and see what I can make of it.

A friend was going through something today, and in the midst of reaching out to help her through a moment, I had a thought. An epiphany. I typed the words into my phone effortlessly, as if I had said or thought it before today. In all honesty, I had never. I felt like a medium, someone or something had dropped this advice at the tip of my tongue.

My text read;
“If you think of things this way.. On the other side, there is no relief.. Only nothingness. The other side is not guaranteed. What is guaranteed, is that we hurt our soul and the people who love us by giving in.”

I think when we consider suicide as an escape, or a way to cure our pain, we forget that there is no guarantee that death will repair the damage. When I said “there is no relief,” I meant there is no longer a human constructed concept of relief. We no longer have the capability to decide what is.. “Relief” is not. Granted, perhaps there is no pain, but in that case there can be no healing. Will we ever see what lies beyond death with blinking eyes? We can speculate, build theories and religions to grapple. Sure. Bottom line, we can only predict how these choices affect the facts; our flesh and bone.
Will we find “relief” beyond this existence? I can’t say, but I do feel that intervening in one’s breathing would only cause more questions in the afterlife. Questions which would be extremely more difficult to solve without a beautifully tragic humanity to lean on.

My dad always told me…

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.”

I’m disappointed, Dad. Because so far, what I love has taken A LOT of work. Like, the tedious, painful, annoying kind of work.

Why didn’t you tell me it was going to feel like this?

That I was going to want to rip my hair out? Avoid it at all costs?
Why didn’t you tell me I was going to struggle for a decade (and years into the future) deciding if it was truly worth my focus?
Maybe it’s… me.

I know what you meant, Dad. You meant that once I found my passion, that my love would overcome the work. It wouldn’t feel like an obligation. It would feel like a purpose. It would be worth it, at every turn. The putrid, uncomfortable, confusing, twisting and bounding experiences would all be worth it.

When you “do what you love,” the work is never absent. It’s just, worth it.

New album coming soon. Xo Evar After

This blog entry is a yearly ritual of mine. I haven’t been very active these past couple years, but I always push myself to compile this list of excerpts as a tribute to my past year and the new self I shall embody in my new year.

Day-to-day journal entries and phone notes from a 25 year old, randomly selected and in no particular order.

1) July 26th 2017
“What do you call a group of turkeys on the court? Fowl ball.”

2) August 7th 2017

“To the sound of meet the frownies..
I feel it creeping forward
A sinking like
When happiness lets off
For the next episode
I warn my pack
Step back
Step back
I don’t want it to get you
The gasoline to get you
Seeping on the grass
A wicked wind around the feet
And when my fire grows
Attack
I light us all ablaze.”

3) July 28th 2017
“Rejected by Yelp. Joined a cleaning service. What am I doing with my life? About to find out.”

4) September 13th 2017
“I wonder if it’s this partnership that has me feeling like I don’t need to get ready. Is it the media that keeps me feeling like I’m not enough. Why do I need to be on instagram? Why am I jealous of those girls who always flaunt. What if I could do it. I know I could. But would that be me? Would that be me in this you and me thing?”

5) October 26th 2017
“I’m thankful for hot showers, a cozy bed, safety, family, being young, being artistic, living in New York, having the option to travel, freedom to be me.”

6) January 12th 2018
“Imagine a world where your peace-of-mind transcends self-help audio books, and takes new shape as an organized living room. The residue of the family rush, untraceable. Dust rabbits, no longer lurking beneath your bed. Imagine a clean slate on which to form healthy habits, and a rejuvenated sense of order in your home (and by home, we really mean soul).”

7) September 26th 2017
“New York
To take it for granted
I recall the cravings
For rainbows of colors
In faces and backgrounds
And conversations
Coming up short
A young wanderer
I brought myself places my soul felt fulfilled
Now I yearn for rainbows
Weaved into mountains
Those incredulous scenes
Could make me leave
To forget that I once craved
The colors of people
I watch a man pardon another to pass
New York
The colors of people
New York
Don’t quit it too fast”

8) October 31st 2017
“Kid on bike: HI!
Me: HI!
Kid on bike: Merry christmas!
Me: Merry Christmas!

9) May 11th 2018
“What is it that you want?
What will be your legacy?
And what is holding you back from being your truest self?”

10) November 15th 2017
“I’m not a selfless woman, I’m a warrior.”

11) March 10th 2018
“When my body hits the floor, every door opens.”

12) July 8th 2018
“I read an article that said I should know my why. I have gone a long time now, neglecting my health and just hoping or expecting things to change. PCOS affects me in ways I don’t really understand and I have to take steps to protect myself and be in control.”

13) December 2nd 2017
“PCOS…
Don’t drive on the 1st and 2nd of the month.
Don’t make impulsive decisions on the 30th.”

14) March 3rd 2018
“The minute you put your palm down
The first time the pads of your fingers touched the floor
They spoke harshly, “Why”
But you were just… connected
you didn’t know “Why”
You don’t know why..
In a headstand
World upside down
you can’t get your hips to center
And gravity seems to win
Every time
So then you do it five thousand times
It’s maddening the way those menstrual pains
Invite themselves to train
We demand
“We’re not different!”
But ladies, we are
And that’s what is significant
Because when
I roll my shoulders
Right one, left one
It’s a style
And I hunch my back
Cock my head
It’s a style
It’s a stance
That bboy dance
But hey
I’ve got tits
Can’t deny this
Can’t deny these
Can’t deny those
Can’t deny body from my head to my toes
It’s that
Working your ass off but keeping that ass on
A style that’s worn from dusk til dawn
And whatever’s in between
That’s a woman
And the world will take her seriously.
Take her seriously.
I will take her seriously.”

15) December 12th 2017
“Get you a man who stands up in front of the caravan, who pumps your gas and handles shit and worries last. No worries, helps you out when you feel like you’re falling. Get you a man who makes you feel like you can.”

16) January 9th 2018
“Why does every coming of age movie include a romance? I never had that at 15, 16, 17, or even 18. This young “true” love thing. Not to say I didn’t find a fondness for some here and there. Not to say I didn’t believe a certain fondness would lead to more.”

17) May 14th 2018
“Pasta
Lettuce
Tomato
Cheese
Ziplock bags
Tupperware
Juice
Apples
Bananas
Salt
Garlic powder
Ramen”

18) July 12th 2018
“Went to the gynecologist for a 6pm appointment. I was seen at 9pm. I left at 915pm. I do not feel empowered by this experience, our healthcare system is the absolute worst.”

19) February 9th 2018
“When “Cleaning” crossed my path, I was ready to work in whatever field, immediately. As most artists, I was juggling multiple jobs and sources of income when I experienced an unfortunate fallout in my endeavors. Everything deflated at once. I was left unemployed. And so, the job search began. I needed something spacious, physical, something that would not create conflict with my mental flow of thoughts and ideas. I needed something flexible, but also consistent. I needed a boss that wanted to know me, and a staff I wanted to get to know.”

20) November 9th 2017
“Life on Venus: ‘In ancient times, Venus was often thought to be two different stars, the evening star and the morning star — that is, the ones that first appeared at sunset and sunrise. In Latin, they were respectively known as Vesper and Lucifer. In Christian times, Lucifer, or “light-bringer,” became known as the name of Satan before his fall. However, further observations of Venus in the space age show a very hellish environment. This makes Venus a very difficult planet to observe from up close, because spacecraft do not survive long on its surface.’”

21) January 1st 2018
“The details make the difference. As an artist, I know firsthand that
success is a subjective, and the best way to conquer that spectrum
of outcome is not to think bigger, but to think a little smaller. To
me, each stroke of my pen will change the picture, and this
perspective drives my work. Thoughtfulness.”

22) November 9th 2017
“The feeling and knowing that there is more than one “side” persona to women, quite often there is two or even more. In men, both energies exist but why is the feminine energy either only rejected or hyper expressed?
Performers will create based around duality, embracing, rejecting, acknowledging, exploring, more than one side of the self.”

23) November 12th 2017
“What am I doing? I keep having these dreams of falling… falling from canyon cliffs. I don’t feel grounded or steady. Social media is a constant reminder of my lack of success and yet, so is my neverending pattern of depression. I have no clue what I am doing. It feels like everyone else does.”

24) October 4th 2017
“Hot air from the subway tunnels met her palms. A paradox of temperatures, dancing past er face and passing through her dress. Cool breezes, boiling smells. A pressure cooker. New york city. It wasn’t enough to make it to new york, you had to be new york, you had to breathe it (rarely a pleasurable experience).”

25) February 22nd 2018
“Every time my mother left me by myself in that house, I was summoned. I don’t know for what. And for that, the television has been a close friend. It kept me from hearing the side of the world I was not ready to admit.”

26) July 18th 2018
“My relationship has made me a better person.”

Day-to-day journal entries from a 24 year old, randomly selected and in no particular order.

25. July 20th, 2016
“At the end of the day I am blessed. I have a roof over my head, a job, a will to be better. I know things will become clear.”

24. January 8th, 2017
“He told me, his words, I love to root for you. You have to go for it.”

23. July 2nd, 2017
“One full year, one full year of things. I can’t believe it’s been a year. I am relieved it hasn’t been more yet.”

22. July 21st, 2016
“Love is literally one of the reasons we exist, don’t feel guilty for wanting to find it.”

21. October 6th, 2017
“Just got a book about the octopus, very interesting stuff. I’ve never really put much thought to the octopus, but this book is changing my perspective so far, wow another streamline of almost alien like consciousness by means of the ocean. Seems very relevant to my ocean adventures and obsession with water these days. Did I mention how I danced on the beach the other day?”

20. October 12th, 2017
“Today’s a good day, because things are looking up.
Take one last glance at who you used to be.
Add a little lemon to your water
Watch those dollar signs and what they offer
Don’t get ready, stay ready
Don’t dip your toes
Take the jump
Take your dreams to the alter
Forgive yourself if you falter
You’re doing a lot more than you’ve done before
Every day a new face, new cells to change the score
Your hours are a boat in which you sail to new horizons
Take your time to navigate.”

19. May 24th, 2017
“I’m beautiful I’m capable
This is everything I’ve waited for…
Opportunity comes knocking don’t just wait around to soften, no
Get it, you better get at it.
Get to it, nobody’s gonna do it for you, no.”

18. November 26th, 2017
“Being an adult is not magical.”

17. June 23rd, 2017
“The stars are on vacation, here’s some lanterns for your wishes.”

16. January 12th, 2017
“’What’s wrong?? Come here,’ he held me and rested his hand on my back clearly intrigued and worried about what was happening. It was very hard to speak but I managed to say “I’m having a surge of anxiety” to which he responded “ohh” and did what was necessary to help. The most memorable moment, something I will always cherish and remember; “how many kisses?” I smiled, “22.'”

15. April 19th, 2017
“A post academic fervor consumes me.
Why must everyone have an opinion of success?
For those who are beautiful; they won’t let you walk without deciding a future for you.
A model, with your look you could be a model
Like, Why are you here?
An actress, why aren’t you an actress..
Maybe I should be an actress.
Or just act out.”

14. May 9th, 2017
“This bagel is everything.”

13. January 2nd, 2017
“A pairing that I never expected. Our connection happened so smoothly I barely noticed time passed. A sweet man, with a sense of humor for miles. We went from dancing together, to talking together, to watching movies, to holding hands. We talked of alien descent, mirrored dimensions across common paths.”

12. May 17th, 2017
“Today for tomorrow.”

11. August 9th, 2017
“Being away from what’s familiar has given me a lot of freedom. There we’re lines I drew in the sand for myself that I couldn’t cross. Now, literally and figuratively, the oceans are washing me clean, washing those lines away into the tide. I am reinventing what it means to be me and it feels amazing. This is not only the age of starvation, this is the age of regeneration, the age of the ocean.”

10. February 20th, 2017
“It was the feeling that lead to the move
The move that lead to the job
The job that lead to the benefits
The benefits that lead to the doctor
The doctor that lead to the medicines
The medicines that lead to the honesty
The honesty that lead to the man
The man that lead to the music
The music that lead to the connections
The connections that lead to the success
The success that lead to the man
The man that lead to the smile
The smile that is my happiness.”

9. November 9th, 2017.
“Donald Trump is our president. I gaze at the mail-in ballot I was too lazy to mail in on time. I didn’t realize about the post mark. The fact of the matter is, while the popular vote was an overwhelming ride for Hilary, the electoral collage, the white underbelly of America, made Trump the new leader of the “free” world.”

8. March 16th, 2017
“For now, you are a seed, one who people hope blossoms to it’s full potential. Not all seeds blossom. Remember that. It is the seed that fights who will turn into the flower. If you should chose not to fight darling, although that choice remains your right, you must also consider it your fault, your failure.”

7. November 1st, 2017
“What is with this weather.”

6. December 22nd, 2017
“That pink, the pink of the sun. Sorbet. Sorbet in a cup in my hand. Hands, hands that hold the monkey bars and scar from silly burns. Burns, from pots and pans and feeling hurt. Hurt, some memories they hurt but pictures show you’re good. Good, like your parents said after you passed your tests. Test, how the world requests your best. Best, how am I doing my best? Oh…
Everything changes from here
Fear is in the silhouettes of trees that lost their leaves to winters rath
Everything changes from here
If dark is falling early not to worry you’re already on your path
Everything changes from here
Share your love and soon the snow will make you smile and laugh
Everything changes from here
It’s within you but you can never go back
You can’t ever go back
Time won’t let you go back
Live here
Live now
You know how….”

5. March 9th, 2017
“It glowed red, the smoke curls danced and I started crying tears of joy. He didn’t see.. but I was so happy in that moment. Sometimes when we have those kinds of talks it’s like our spirits kind of leave our bodies and go walking together, through countless subjects and questions. I don’t know where the hours go.”

4. September 6th, 2017
“The only thing that makes me feel like I belong is moving to percussion of a crowded room past midnight, stopping to snap pictures of the moonlight, fantasizing all about the future I would make right, tapping shoes across a floor for hours at a time, then sitting by myself and drinking coffee till I feel right, writing down emotions and maybe singing songs, writing down these words to figure out where I belong.”

3. July 29th, 2016
“Dad says the men are the pitchers and the women are the catchers. What happens when the women want to know what it feels like to stand on the mound and the men have tired arms from throwing the ball? What do we do?
In other news, Hillary Clinton is the first woman nominated to become president.”

2. February 27th, 2017.
“TAKE TIME TO BE PLEASED.”

1. July 18th, 2017
“Do you hear your hopes and dreams? They move in from the quiet sea. The sand is fine, divine on your feet. You share a kiss as your hands meet. The salty air gets in your hair. Today you are real again. A woman who feels again.”

“P u r p l e  S m o o t h” produced by Coflo, out now on Catch the Ghost Records.
Read more on @whereisevarafter

“S y n t h e t i c   H e a r t b e a t”
Read about Chapter 1 : @whereisevarafter

“Evar After with her debut EP on Catch The Ghost Records. A sweetly written, beautiful danced out vocal journey.”

Sometimes you feel close
Like the rugged clay beneath my feet
I’ve lived so many lives
And now I’m here
What do they mean to me
A wind escaped my wings
I’m pressed to fly
But flying weather’s wrong
I cannot tell the north or south
The east or west
The evening song
The lullaby, the lullaby
Out here singing lulla-lie’s
Lullaby’s and dreams
Have got me nowhere, it seems

That wind escaped my wings
I’m pressed to fly
But flying weather’s wrong
I need to find the morning song
I’m here to find the morning song..

–Evar After

It’s a stretch of imagination
To be content
In a world which rotates around me
Small, curious me
With no explanation
Rotation
Looking for silence they say
“Do you think the earth revolves around you?”
I’m sorry, but
Do you not find yourself in space?
Every day?
Trading shoes with the sun?
To watch the dot
Chase it’s tail
Empathize with the moon?
Who’s hypnotized in seeing every last side
What humans call life
Time and time again…
Don’t you go crazy?
Wondering
Why?

Evar After ReImagines “Dang!” by Anderson Paak and Mac Miller – A Dance Film

 

*Alanis Morissette voice*
That my last post was about returning to Instagram? I guess it took a little more of my attention than I anticipated! Juggling social media platforms is exhausting, and I’m not quite sure it comes naturally to me. Oh well, back from hiatus and there’s a lot of things to talk about. I consider you, reader, a childhood friend whom I could go months without speaking too like it hadn’t even been a day.