This blog entry is a yearly ritual of mine. I haven’t been very active these past couple years, but I always push myself to compile this list of excerpts as a tribute to my past year and the new self I shall embody in my new year.
Day-to-day journal entries and phone notes from a 25 year old, randomly selected and in no particular order.
1) July 26th 2017
“What do you call a group of turkeys on the court? Fowl ball.”
2) August 7th 2017
“To the sound of meet the frownies..
I feel it creeping forward
A sinking like
When happiness lets off
For the next episode
I warn my pack
Step back
Step back
I don’t want it to get you
The gasoline to get you
Seeping on the grass
A wicked wind around the feet
And when my fire grows
Attack
I light us all ablaze.”
3) July 28th 2017
“Rejected by Yelp. Joined a cleaning service. What am I doing with my life? About to find out.”
4) September 13th 2017
“I wonder if it’s this partnership that has me feeling like I don’t need to get ready. Is it the media that keeps me feeling like I’m not enough. Why do I need to be on instagram? Why am I jealous of those girls who always flaunt. What if I could do it. I know I could. But would that be me? Would that be me in this you and me thing?”
5) October 26th 2017
“I’m thankful for hot showers, a cozy bed, safety, family, being young, being artistic, living in New York, having the option to travel, freedom to be me.”
6) January 12th 2018
“Imagine a world where your peace-of-mind transcends self-help audio books, and takes new shape as an organized living room. The residue of the family rush, untraceable. Dust rabbits, no longer lurking beneath your bed. Imagine a clean slate on which to form healthy habits, and a rejuvenated sense of order in your home (and by home, we really mean soul).”
7) September 26th 2017
“New York
To take it for granted
I recall the cravings
For rainbows of colors
In faces and backgrounds
And conversations
Coming up short
A young wanderer
I brought myself places my soul felt fulfilled
Now I yearn for rainbows
Weaved into mountains
Those incredulous scenes
Could make me leave
To forget that I once craved
The colors of people
I watch a man pardon another to pass
New York
The colors of people
New York
Don’t quit it too fast”
8) October 31st 2017
“Kid on bike: HI!
Me: HI!
Kid on bike: Merry christmas!
Me: Merry Christmas!
9) May 11th 2018
“What is it that you want?
What will be your legacy?
And what is holding you back from being your truest self?”
10) November 15th 2017
“I’m not a selfless woman, I’m a warrior.”
11) March 10th 2018
“When my body hits the floor, every door opens.”
12) July 8th 2018
“I read an article that said I should know my why. I have gone a long time now, neglecting my health and just hoping or expecting things to change. PCOS affects me in ways I don’t really understand and I have to take steps to protect myself and be in control.”
13) December 2nd 2017
“PCOS…
Don’t drive on the 1st and 2nd of the month.
Don’t make impulsive decisions on the 30th.”
14) March 3rd 2018
“The minute you put your palm down
The first time the pads of your fingers touched the floor
They spoke harshly, “Why”
But you were just… connected
you didn’t know “Why”
You don’t know why..
In a headstand
World upside down
you can’t get your hips to center
And gravity seems to win
Every time
So then you do it five thousand times
It’s maddening the way those menstrual pains
Invite themselves to train
We demand
“We’re not different!”
But ladies, we are
And that’s what is significant
Because when
I roll my shoulders
Right one, left one
It’s a style
And I hunch my back
Cock my head
It’s a style
It’s a stance
That bboy dance
But hey
I’ve got tits
Can’t deny this
Can’t deny these
Can’t deny those
Can’t deny body from my head to my toes
It’s that
Working your ass off but keeping that ass on
A style that’s worn from dusk til dawn
And whatever’s in between
That’s a woman
And the world will take her seriously.
Take her seriously.
I will take her seriously.”
15) December 12th 2017
“Get you a man who stands up in front of the caravan, who pumps your gas and handles shit and worries last. No worries, helps you out when you feel like you’re falling. Get you a man who makes you feel like you can.”
16) January 9th 2018
“Why does every coming of age movie include a romance? I never had that at 15, 16, 17, or even 18. This young “true” love thing. Not to say I didn’t find a fondness for some here and there. Not to say I didn’t believe a certain fondness would lead to more.”
17) May 14th 2018
“Pasta
Lettuce
Tomato
Cheese
Ziplock bags
Tupperware
Juice
Apples
Bananas
Salt
Garlic powder
Ramen”
18) July 12th 2018
“Went to the gynecologist for a 6pm appointment. I was seen at 9pm. I left at 915pm. I do not feel empowered by this experience, our healthcare system is the absolute worst.”
19) February 9th 2018
“When “Cleaning” crossed my path, I was ready to work in whatever field, immediately. As most artists, I was juggling multiple jobs and sources of income when I experienced an unfortunate fallout in my endeavors. Everything deflated at once. I was left unemployed. And so, the job search began. I needed something spacious, physical, something that would not create conflict with my mental flow of thoughts and ideas. I needed something flexible, but also consistent. I needed a boss that wanted to know me, and a staff I wanted to get to know.”
20) November 9th 2017
“Life on Venus: ‘In ancient times, Venus was often thought to be two different stars, the evening star and the morning star — that is, the ones that first appeared at sunset and sunrise. In Latin, they were respectively known as Vesper and Lucifer. In Christian times, Lucifer, or “light-bringer,” became known as the name of Satan before his fall. However, further observations of Venus in the space age show a very hellish environment. This makes Venus a very difficult planet to observe from up close, because spacecraft do not survive long on its surface.’”
21) January 1st 2018
“The details make the difference. As an artist, I know firsthand that
success is a subjective, and the best way to conquer that spectrum
of outcome is not to think bigger, but to think a little smaller. To
me, each stroke of my pen will change the picture, and this
perspective drives my work. Thoughtfulness.”
22) November 9th 2017
“The feeling and knowing that there is more than one “side” persona to women, quite often there is two or even more. In men, both energies exist but why is the feminine energy either only rejected or hyper expressed?
Performers will create based around duality, embracing, rejecting, acknowledging, exploring, more than one side of the self.”
23) November 12th 2017
“What am I doing? I keep having these dreams of falling… falling from canyon cliffs. I don’t feel grounded or steady. Social media is a constant reminder of my lack of success and yet, so is my neverending pattern of depression. I have no clue what I am doing. It feels like everyone else does.”
24) October 4th 2017
“Hot air from the subway tunnels met her palms. A paradox of temperatures, dancing past er face and passing through her dress. Cool breezes, boiling smells. A pressure cooker. New york city. It wasn’t enough to make it to new york, you had to be new york, you had to breathe it (rarely a pleasurable experience).”
25) February 22nd 2018
“Every time my mother left me by myself in that house, I was summoned. I don’t know for what. And for that, the television has been a close friend. It kept me from hearing the side of the world I was not ready to admit.”
26) July 18th 2018
“My relationship has made me a better person.”
EVAR AFTER 