It’s Hard

The month of May comes with 33 million unemployed (including myself, however furloughed). I work as an operations manager for a cleaning company full-time, and when I’m not working; I am a girlfriend, an anxiety sufferer, a cat-mom, a binge-watcher, a goofball, a nature-seeker, a family gal, a close friend, and Evar After.
This time has been difficult for our society as it highlights so many differences in our class structure and access to resources. I am grateful to be half-employed in an industry that is expected to “blow up” once restrictions in New York state begin to loosen. Cleaning has never been so ‘essential.’

Working for a cleaning company is humble, physically demanding work. In a world of capitalism and profiteering, I truly feel that I positively impact the world with what I do. Cleaning and organizing for others gives me joy, and I believe our society needs to re-frame service based vocations such as mine. I am happy to see this pandemic shining light on the TRUE every-day heroes that are now considered essential workers, consideration being much too late in my opinion. I include myself in this group, but I still know that I am privileged to CHOSE working for a cleaning company rather than doing it out of necessity whether by language barrier, immigrant status, lack of education, or disinfranchisement. I seek to mentor and build lasting relationships with every staff member I come across, and show them how to give a fuck about how you spend your time, REGARDLESS of the way you spend it. I have become a better person through my experiences in this business, and I have seen the ways that Americans have been conditioned to devalue this labor. Cleaning allows me to balance my artistic endeavors with financial from hard work. The reflection of vanity and self image in a job shouldn’t hold the amount of weight that it does for young people. I encourage any young person I meet to see their job as a way to provide the quality of life that they are working for, every job is a lily pad to something better.

Not sure why I went on that tangent, but I guess it was just on my mind! Bare with me.

It’s hard.

It’s hard to come to this blog and write, because maybe the world is currently so built around ‘engagement’ and I know that this writing won’t get any. It’s hard to realize that I build my expression around whether or not I will have a captive audience. I came to write on this blog because times are tough, it’s hard.

It’s hard because I have more time on my hands that I’ve had since childhood. That’s hard because I find myself judging my productivity; ‘why haven’t you created this or finished this?’
It’s hard because my partner is using this time to exercise and improve his health, and I cannot bring myself to do one crunch or push-up. I can’t bring myself to dance, or run, or even walk.
I know this all sounds very depressing, but I’m writing here to be objective and process these feelings as they can truly no longer stay captive in my head!

It’s hard because I’m trying to push my work out into the open online, and social media just doesn’t come naturally to me. I feel weird for trying to monetize an audience in the middle of a pandemic, but maybe for an introvert like me, it’s MY time. It’s time.

It’s hard because I am happy, I am grateful, but every day the hours slide past me and anxiety vibrates my flesh. I see the country re-opening and I selfishly want that, I want to drive across the country and get OUT. But that is the problem.

At the end of the day, It’s hard… but it ain’t that hard. Let’s make a better planet out of all this.
Xo, Evar After.


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