Day-to-day journal entries from a 23 year old, randomly selected and in no particular order.

24. November 20, 2015.
“I’m clearing this room of misunderstandings. I’m clearing this room of miscommunication. I’m clearing this room of expectations. I’m clearing this room of guilt. I’m clearing this room of bad intentions. I’m clearing this room of judgment, so that I may make room for understanding, trust, good intentions, love.”

23. October 7, 2015.
“I always feel like my shadows are unwelcome to the world.”

22. November 1, 2015.
“Are you going to continue scrolling through the thoughts and feelings of others? Those thoughts and feelings are not your own. Oh, to be young in this generation. I want to get off this train. But I’m attracted like a moth to a bulb. Distractions again and again. I notice myself being passive. I go with whatever. Sometimes, I tell lies. Three of the realest words I’ve ever wrote.”

21. February 18, 2016.
“Contemplative. Tired. Cravings. Allergies.”

20. March 16, 2016.
“Also, like Ive mentioned in earlier pages, I’ve been rethinking what my body is meant to look and feel like. Obviously, the thin and fit has been valued for a long time. I found that I don’t want to be fit just to be fit, to fit an image. I want to be at optimal performance level, I want to be strong but the type of strength necessary to excel in what I do. I love my body. I don’t want to tune that out.”

19. February 22, 2016.
“I want to be
Wonder woman
Not a wondering woman
Not a wandering woman
But a lady with a plan
Living life atop questions
Doesn’t do it for me
This is who I am?
This is who I want to be?”

18. December 13, 2015.
“A very interesting encounter of conversation occurred tonight at the house between a couple men. It was crazy. Accountability and emotions. It was fascinating to hear the way ideas and feelings were discussed.”

17. September 16, 2015.
“Today I had a rocky start because I am worried about my alarms not going off and so I have dreams that I go through my day being late and having to explain it to everyone and it sucks. My neck hurt and I had a throbbing headache, but once I got a move on it went away.”

16. June 20th, 2016.
“You know how they say we only use a small percentage of our brain? I believe the same goes for our spirit… depending on our environment, we only use a small percentage of our spirit when living our every day lives.”

15. April 8, 2016.
“2016 is the year of starvation. The word kept coming up today even while I was hanging out with my roommates. “Hunger is hard, but it works.” Or something like that.
Starvation of empty words.
Starvation of toxins.
Starvation of old ideas.
Starvation of love.
Starvation of excuses.
Starvation of entitlement.
Starvation of knowing.”

14. February 19, 2016.
“Just spent about 20 minutes doing a post on Instagram.”

13. December 21, 2015.
“I cried tears of joy going to bed last night. What an amazing feeling to be here. It takes on a new life and meaning every time I come back. I feel so cheerful and peaceful.”

12. July 17, 2015.
“The girls and I stepped foot in there for the first time last night. I cried, we all cried. It was one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen. I want to do that, I want to sing like that, and move the crowd like that. I noticed how people didn’t use their phones, nor did they bring drinks to the floor. When they danced, it wasn’t invasive… But there was this intimacy like I’ve never experienced. It was incredible.”

11. October 1, 2016.
“I am shedding my skin. Piece by piece. I’m still unsure of how to use it. Do I keep the pieces, will they bring me back? What are the alternatives? My mind has been so calm, I meditate daily. I feel grounded yet I also feel the ground shaking beneath me. There are changes I must make, decisions I need to confront. I am writing the story of my life… Creativity doesn’t come so easy these days… But I am organized, focused. My friends ask me why I haven’t made anything lately. They say, ‘get it together!”

10. February 1, 2016.
“While sitting on the train ride home from teaching today I was thinking about my outfit; cuddled under a warm headband and hoodie, jacket, gloves, sitting with my bike.. if someone could have told me what I would be doing two years out of school.. what would my reaction had been? Trying to know myself.. I think I would have had an optimistic take on the situation, maybe I would be surprised? Because when you look at your future, I don’t know if anyone truly imagines themselves in a place of lesser than they hope. Maybe they fear a certain outcome, but the imagination serves a different purpose. And my fear wasn’t where I was now, my plan was to work in my field and I am doing that.”

9. March 15, 2016.
“Public disguise- I was interested after work tonight, in my covering up while on public transportation. Ironically, a man at circle K approached me and asked my name, saying he had mistaken me for someone else. Then he asked me “why do you cover your face that way? Is it to hide your beauty?” I laughed because I felt like I brought the encounter upon myself.. I created this costume to blend in but the energy it gives off transcends. It was a funny conundrum.”

8. May 1, 2016.
“Silence is sometimes the best way to prove a point.”

7. January 1, 2016.
“I write this story out of necessity. Necessity for many things, such as; a necessity for understanding, a necessity for company, and most importantly a necessity for memories.”

6. December 3, 2015.
“I had a moment while riding my bike today, a small panic attack. I stopped on the overpass, watching the cars whiz forward and back. I felt another call from a spiritual place, like the one I felt on my way to Tucson with mom. The light through the clouds..”

5. June 26, 2016.
“This morning was a wake up call. I woke up on the fall, stuffy nose, happy from the night with friends but not happy about how I felt. I felt silly. But, I don’t regret it, not at all.”

4. July 16, 2016.
“This world was carefully crafted. When I walk on the sands of the beach, and I feel tattered pages turning around me. How could something so beautiful, simply just “occur”? The earth is artistry at it’s purest form. Maybe it’s my creative nature that always brings me back to the truth, the energy, the magic. Maybe it’s the reality of dangerous conditions throughout the world that take me away… I am spiritual, but over the past couple years I have become skeptic of these wonders around me, perhaps as a coping mechanism for what I know I’ll never understand. If one thing is for certain, whoever built this world is a fine storyteller.”

3. December 4, 2015.
“A man just approached me, in much excitement; ‘I got a job after not working for over a year because of my disability!’ Well congratulations!”

2. July 13, 2015.
“I am ready to walk into my 23rd year with a beaming smile and a resilient spirit. I think I’m finally embodying that lesson of replacing the bad with the good. Inhale (joy/grattitude) exhale (toxins/negativity/stress).
Pain is temporary, I am in control.”

1. July 18, 2016.
“Today is my birthday. It’s also my first day at my new job! Age changes you, ya know?”



Published by Evar After


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